FILM NEWS: Battleship trailer sinks; where do we go from here?

The first trailer – barely a teaser – has landed online for Universal Pictures’ upcoming Battleship, the latest feature film to attempt to bring a children’s game/toy kicking and screaming to the big screen.

Following in the footsteps of Transformers, batteries are almost certainly included, along with implausibly massive explosions, a pair of denim short shorts and an utterly bafflingly alien invasion plot. Rather than attempt to locate a story somewhere in the game’s instruction manual, director Peter Berg has instead taken the MICHAEL BAY route and blown anything that can’t be unsuitably sexualised into a million or so pixels.

Starring Taylor Kitsch, Tadanobu Asano, Jesse Plemons, Alexander Skarsgård, Liam Neeson and *cough* Rihanna, Battleship – the trailer for which can be scrutinised here – has already come under fire for not only being completely incomprehensible, but uniformly spiritless too.

But Battleship is just one of many adaptations looming on the horizon. Having exhausted the previous century’s stock of horror movies, raided the tombs of a thousand video game stores, made their way through just about every superhero ever pencilled and tapped the planet’s theme parks for any filmic potential, Hollywood has apparently stopped by Toys ‘R’ Us on its way to the next film factory (Disneyland, it seems, with Alice in Wonderland and Beastly heralding yet another age of unenlightenment). Joining Battleship in a cineplex near you will be Ouija, Monopoly and – presumably – Bucking Bronco too.

So, what next? After Battleship has sunk its opponent, the next seventeen “supernatural romances” have swooned into theatres and Snow White has conquered her cross-studio split personality, where else is there for Hollywood to turn in its evasion of new and original ideas? Perhaps they could turn to supermarkets; I’ve always wanted to see how Coco managed to usurp the position of Coco Pops mascot from Sooty (with explosives and short shorts), how the Jolly Green Giant got into the sweetcorn business (with explosives and short shorts) and what the exact nature of Red and Yellow’s (M&M’s spokescandies) relationship might be (with explosives and short shorts).

Ideas people? Hollywood isn’t about to start helping itself!


About popcornaddiction
I am a psychology graduate, a News Writer for HeyUGuys/BestforFilm and, most importantly, a hopeless popcorn addict.

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