Four Things That Annoyed Me While Watching Immortals

Ever since leaving my role as counter-monkey-come-projectionist at The Cinema That Must Not Be Named, I have been left no choice but to sign up for a loyalty card at my local (and forever rival) multiplex in lieu of the complimentary tickets I once traded in. No longer able to print-check movies, alone, prior to release, I have instead found myself queuing up for increasingly reluctant service as I submit myself through necessity to the numerous failings of whichever branch is at that point nearest.

During my last visit, this time to Screen 7 in order to watch Immortals (2D, due to the inconvenient timings), I was once again overcome by the horrid experience of watching a movie at the cinema in the 21st Century. Faced with monstrous queues, unfriendly service and a screen-full of the most preposterous human beings, I tried desperately to lose myself in the latest tent-pole blockbuster Hollywood had to offer. Four things stood in my way:

1. My Fellow Customers

Long before I found myself a civilian in the world of moviegoing, I was plagued by the ghoulish presence of the typical cinema customer. Moronic by nature, these creatures are instantly lost upon entering the foyer, unable to navigate their way to the nearest box office either because of fish-net-like queues or the fact that the ticket stand is bafflingly closed. Side-stepping such stupidity, collection of tickets from the concessions stand (THE ONLY OTHER SET OF TILLS IN SIGHT) at least allows you to gain entry to the screen ahead of the zombie horde.

Carefully picking a seat in the centre of the screen – for optimal sound, vision and occasionally stereoscopic experience – one might think that the worst is behind them – after all, the man in front of you is hardly going to get irate about the prices once seated. The torment has only just begun, however, as you are quickly surrounded by the mouth-breathing, phone-checking, bag-rustling worst of them, each individual trying their best to ruin your moviegoing experience. Minutes into the film, following Freida Pinto’s character’s decision to pray, the man behind me turned to his friend and observed “fat lot of good that will do.” Excuse me, sir, but you and I have both just paid a small fortune to watch a movie called Immortals about gods so either shut up and suspend your disbelief or get the Hell out.

2. The Film’s Projection.

I realise that it is easy to make mistakes. Having been expected to run multiple 35mm prints within minutes of one another, I can tell you that it is no small ask, and that occasionally errors will be made. However, considering that this particular cinema is almost exclusively digital, it is difficult to imagine how anyone was able to make as many mistakes with the projection of this copy of Immortals as this particular projectionist appears to have managed.

Let’s start from the beginning, with the upcoming attractions. The first trailer that we received prior to Immortals, a 15 rated sword and sandals epic debuting this November, was for a Disney film. Not just any Disney film, mind you, but Prom – which I reviewed when it came out…in June. Following this admittedly gigantic boob, the film began with a few seconds of header reel before it finally settled into its run, complete with a distinct and unwavering white line essentially halving the image in two. And that’s without mentioning the projectionist’s errant eye lash, which spent the feature’s duration flickering distractingly in the top right-hand corner of the screen.

3. The Cinematic Experience.

Beyond the fact that this particular cinema chain boasts some of the least comfortable seating this side of Guantánamo Bay, there is usually very little about the surroundings themselves which stand out enough to detract from the enjoyment of a good movie. On this occasion, however, Screen 7 was determined to make Immortals as excruciating an experience as bad feng shui might possibly allow.

Let’s start with the fact that the temperature in the screen was near Saharan as the combined body heat of a hundred men, women and hotdogs conspired to cook the audience on a moderate heat. An hour into the movie, having convinced myself that the periodic groan I could hear from through the wall was the cinema’s air conditioning straining to make any semblance of a difference, I suddenly came to the horrifying realisation that what I could hear was in fact the hand-dryers from the next door toilets kicking in.

4. The Film Itself.

All of the above might have been tolerable, however, had Immortals actually been a fun watch. As it turned out, unfortunately, Tarsem Singh’s Immortals is an absolutely appalling movie. Boasting sickening torture, endless grew and a scene in which one character has his genitals smashed in with a mallet, it is a thoroughly joyless affair which has bafflingly ruled itself out of the younger market despite its 12A story and 2D characterisation. For the love of baby oil, it’s not even camp!

Doing for Greecian myth what Greece has recently done for Europe, Immortals is an absolute black hole, not only for the money I paid upon entry, but also for the talents of each of its short-changed stars. It’s no wonder nobody goes to the cinema anymore, when the movies showing aren’t even worth the rigmarole of a once-magical night out.

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About popcornaddiction
I am a psychology graduate, a News Writer for HeyUGuys/BestforFilm and, most importantly, a hopeless popcorn addict.

3 Responses to Four Things That Annoyed Me While Watching Immortals

  1. Ro Danks says:

    The following quote is why I enjoy reading your blog so much. Topical, clever and on my wavelength! Keep up the good work!

    “Doing for Greecian myth what Greece has recently done for Europe, Immortals is an absolute black hole, not only of the money I paid upon entry, but also for the talents of each of its short-changed stars.”

  2. Pingback: November 2011 – There’s Always Time For A Bow « popcornaddict

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